These latter days…

I thought I’d send out an update, of sorts. Tomorrow (LP day 23) I am going to the doctor who will hopefully give me a blood test which will tell me whether I’m pregnant or just broken.

I’ve waiting nearly 2 weeks for a period which has yet to arrive, and have taken 6 negative pregnancy tests. If I wasn’t charting, and didn’t know which day I ovulated on, I would just assume that I hadn’t ovulated, and keep waiting to get my period. But because I know (+ or – about 2 days) when I ovulated, and therefore also know when I should have gotten my period, and also know that it is entirely possible I am pregnant, I am perplexed as to what could be causing a missed period, pregnancy symptoms and a negative test result.

Meet Mr. Ovarian Cyst. He does, in fact, mimic pregnancy symptoms, and causes missed periods, yet would also cause negative pregnancy test results.

Upon learning about Mr. Ovarian Cyst, I thought to myself, “oh no. He (meaning God) wouldn’t do that to me. Not after he took Michael.” No God who loves His creature would, for lack of a better word, tease a TTC woman into thinking she’s pregnant, only to give her a worthless cyst.

Or would He? I mean, I’d certainly like to believe that God loved His son, and look how that worked out for Him. This does not make me hopeful.

Maybe you think I lack faith. Maybe I do. But I keep remembering the day after I found out that I miscarried. I keep remembering the crippling pain that had me feeling lower than just about anything else I’ve experienced, including my mother’s death and my father’s abandonment.

This skepticism on my part about the goodness of God’s will might seem like a lack of faith to many of you. It probably is. But right now, I’m calling it self-preservation. If I don’t have any hopes about tomorrow, then they can’t be destroyed.

Even this doesn’t completely capture how I’m feeling tonight. But music, I’ve found, can capture the truth of any emotion.

I know I should feel like this:

and yet, somehow, this is how I actually feel:

They’ve taken a toll, these latter days…


13 thoughts on “These latter days…

  1. Praying for you… I understand how you are feeling. I hope all goes well at the doctor tomorrow. I don’t see you as lacking faith- I know if I were in this situation I would just be spiritually pooped out! Rest assured that heaven will be flooded with prayers for you!

  2. Oh I will pray for you, dear. I hope you find out some answers. I do not see it as a lack of faith. One of my sisters has suffered ovarian cysts, among other things, it’s a hard thing. Again, prayers for you.

  3. I’m tearing up over here. I’m praying really hard for you today.

    And ditto to Maggie – you’re just exhausted. You still see God in everything, even when it is not what you want to see. Both those songs were beautiful.

  4. Thank you all so much for your prayers and well wishes. I wanted to let you know that I just found out from the Dr.’s office that I am not pregnant. 😦

    While I am disappointed that I’m not expecting, I am somewhat relieved to know something for sure, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

    Again, thanks for your prayers, and now I just have to find out what IS going on.

  5. I don’t think that questioning God’s plan means you’re lacking faith. Even Elijah got depressed! Sometimes life is hard, and still believing that God could change things is the ultimate sign of faith.

    Your post actually makes me think of Natalie Grant’s song “Held.” Yes the only beloved son of God was crucified, but you do have one consolation that Jesus didn’t get: God will not turn away from you. Even in the darkness when you cannot feel God, you are still held.

    Cysts stink. I hope that you get to hold a beautiful baby sooner than later.

  6. oh sarah, i’m sorry 😦 i’m curious to see what’s going on with your false signs and i know that what little peace of mind you have now is good… but it doesn’t stop the heart from aching 😦

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