On Mother's Day, just before she rolled over for the first time!
I remember a post that Jen wrote once (I would link to it, but something odd seems to be happening over there today and I can’t get to the page), (I found it — success!) where she talked about reaching the conclusion, that “whatever you think is out there ain’t out there”.
What does this have to do with anything?
Maybe it’s just the cycle day 1 bloat talking, but man do I feel like I’m missing the boat sometimes.
Yeah. Sort of like that.
Like maybe instead of spending the 1.5 years of marriage when I wasn’t pregnant or a mom pining for a baby, we should have been doing more things together just the two of us.
Because after taking one long weekend car trip with a four month old, I learned a few things:
However long your car trip is, add 2-3 hours to that time.
The baby will poop just after you’ve gotten back on the road from a rest stop, or just when you’ve all sat down to dinner.
If you’re anal like me, and it’s spring in the midwest, you will pack just about every item of clothing your child owns “just in case”. Your child’s stuff will take up twice as much space as yours will.
We were traveling with one baby, just one child, and it was stressful. We only had a five hour (it took 7) drive.
When I sit here and think about how hard it is to travel with one baby, and how it must be 50 times harder to travel with one toddler, let alone a toddler and a baby, I think to myself, “Oh man, why didn’t we go to California, Martha’s Vineyard, Paris, Florence, and all the other places we talked about going?”
Oh yeah, that’s right, because I was a depressed fool for about a year after we lost out first baby and didn’t get pregnant again right away. I was a woman obsessed. Like always.
When I think I should have something, and I don’t have it, I fixate and obsess. It took me about a year after losing Michael to realize that there wasn’t really much I could do except keep trying and trust God. Then I started to think, “Hey, my husband is pretty awesome, and if it’s just the two of us for another year or so, that wouldn’t be too bad. We could do some more traveling.”
The next week, I found out I was pregnant. I’m not saying I wasn’t thrilled, because I was. Completely and totally over the moon.
That picture has nothing to do with this post, but come one, how stupid do you have to be to think an elephant is bigger than the moon? Apparently stupid enough to be on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”.
Anyway, the point of all this is that, usually I am too busy moving on to the next thing, or thinking I am entitled to the next thing, or thinking that happiness lay on just the other side of the next thing, that I don’t learn to love where I am until I’m not there anymore.
Now that I have a baby, I look back on the days before Maggie and realize how much I squandered them on pining for a baby, when a baby was not God’s will for me at that time. Now I wish I had let go more, and enjoyed my husband more when it was just the two of us. I wish we had traveled more.
I do this all the time.
I keep thinking, maybe when I have more children, or more time, or more of something, then my writing will take off. Then it will happen. So I pine for it. And when I feel that I’m being overlooked, I get upset and make myself into a martyr.
But the truth is, if my writing ever really does take off, I’ll look back on this time and think, “Gosh, wasn’t it nice to not have to worry so much about each post, and how it will be received. Wasn’t it nice to be able to write just for me?”
Please tell me I am not the only one like this.
So to tie it all up, there’s this:
Whatever I think, fear, expect, wish, was out there, on the other side of *right now*, it ain’t out there. Because “there” is only reached when, we hope by the grace of God, we are welcomed into the arms of Love Himself after this life is over. All there is right now are the ones entrusted to me:
Easily as cool as Paris or Florence, right?
Thank God for that.
Sarah! I needed this today. I didn’t realize I needed it, but I did. Thank-you friend.
Oh, and waaaaaay cooler than Paris AND Florence combined!
I hear you. I think it’s a human nature thing. It seems we humans have a hard time ever living in the now. I have one of my children (that’s one out of five now and so far) that I can tell she’s a live-in-the-moment kid. ONE.
My oldest is always trying to grow up. My third-born is always trying to get whatever the older two have. My son is two and it’s hard to tell just yet…but he maybe be a live-in-the-moment kid…time will tell.
But my Dani…my second-born…she is such a love! And she LOVES being EXACTLY wherever she is and doing whatever she is doing. What’s amazing is her class at school is FULL of kids like that! The teacher has thoroughly enjoyed this school year she said, because these kids just LOVE being in First grade! When they were in Kindergarten…they absolutely LOVED being in Kindergarten. No matter what activity or task is set before them…they get thoroughly excited about it. it’s beautiful to watch and my Dani has taught me that living in the moment is an awesome thing to do.
As a mom…unfortunately, I have a terrible time doing this and setting a good example for my children. I’m always wishing I had more money or more time instead of simply realizing that we have enough money to pay the bills and thoe 30 minutes I just spent running around outside with my kids is all they really want from me most of the time.
Hang in there, Sarah. (By the way…I LOVE your writing
)
And you have a beautiful family…I love it when you post a picture of all of you together.
And so (as I’m now learning) when you have to travel with a toddler and baby ~ you figure out how to do it. Really cute pictures!!
Hear, hear! I’ve been thinking about similar things recently and trying to really enjoy this state in life. It sort of feels like I can’t post about it though because I’m *supposed* to be miserable until I have kids rather than enjoying each part of life. But oh well.
Anyway, thanks for posting this. And best wishes for living where you are now!
I’ve wanted to be a mom for a long long time, so I’ll probably be like you described here when I first get married. I can relate to your feelings of not understanding or appreciating the “now” until it’s over.
Though, I can’t possibly believe that after I get married, I’ll reminisce about coming back this time where I’m engaged and want nothing more than the days to fly by and to get married already.
Well, I had a comment earlier, but I guess I messed something up in the posting. Anyway…I think it’s a very human nature thing to have difficulty “living in the present”. And I think it takes a very special person to do that without a ton of work. Our lives are ordered TOWARDS something, someone, some day….and it takes some discipline to remember that where we are RIGHT NOW quite possibly is exactly where we are supposed to be.
My second daughter, Dani, is a rare individual that seems to live in the moment quite naturally. Amazingly, enough, her entire class at school seems to be the same way. Dani rarely tries to be more grown up or tries to act 2-3 years older than she is (unlike her older sister) and is quite content with whatever she has right now (unlike her younger sister). She really is a joy to watch sometimes as she simply enjoys whatever it is that is going on right that minute. If only I could bottle that up and drink it for breakfast every morning!
BTW – I love the pics of your family…you and your husband always look so excited to be with your daughter. I love it.
Kendra, true story. I remember being engaged. We were engaged for nine months and it was about four too long. I’ll be praying for you!
That is such a good point, but so much easier said than done. And as Rebecca says, WAY cooler than both Paris and Florence!
Just remember that even if you have more children, they won’t stay babies forever – this is two-fold 1) try not to be always looking toward the future and enjoy their time in this stage and 2) eventually you will have your life back, eventually they won’t need 24/7 supervision and car trips won’t require that extra time, etc. It’s not all permanent – eventually they’ll go to school (if you send them) and if not there will atleast be clubs/groups/activities, maybe summer camps or atleast days they’ll want to spend playing with their friends.
Though reading this reminds me how fortunate we were to have 5 years together beore children arrived, and 2 years of that were married. We did a lot, but didn’t do everything we wanted, mainly travel related too, so it’s still just sitting on the back burner as a goal to keep us going some days. Evenually we’ll finish our tour of North America (just need get to the southwest, northeast and a handful of national parks/major cities) and eventually we’ll get our trip overseas.
Personally -writing wise- I’d encourage you to keep writing your honest motherhood posts. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there that appreciates someone willing to stand up and say it’s not 100% rainbows and happiness.
Wow. Exactly. I feel like this ALL the time, and I’ve realized my propensity for pining about a hundred times already in my life… but I’m still doing it! Always rushing toward the next phase of life when really, this phase we’re in right now is the only one we have! Part of my anxiety comes from trying to figure out What I’m Supposed To Do With My Life, and I’ve been learning that I get to decide that a little each day, with each thing I decide to spend my time on. That what God would like me to do with my life is to be a shining example of His love to everyone I meet, and nothing less.
Thanks for reminding me to savor each season!
I am so, so, SO guilty of this. I’ve found myself experiencing a twinge of jealousy when I listen to my single friend (who very much wants to be married) talking about her travel plans for the summer. I’ve looked at the FB updates of a friend who’s had a long, difficult journey with infertility and thought to myself, “look at all the fun she’s having without a baby.” Then I step back, horrified, realizing how ungrateful I am.
It didn’t start with my marriage, or my daughter — I have always been like this, wanting to be older, wanting to be done with school, wanting a boyfriend who could be a husband someday, wanting what I saw as progress, and rarely stopping to embrace the present.
Thank you for this VERY important reminder that “it ain’t out there” and we are happiest when we enjoy life as it is!
And, by the way, I got a good chuckle over your descriptions of traveling with Maggie. We’re currently traveling with our baby, too, and between her clothes, diapers, toys, stroller, and pack-n-play portable crib, we can just barely fit everything in my husband’s station wagon. It’s quite the adventure!
And I agree, having a family is easily as cool as Paris or Florence. Immortal souls are pretty awesome.
this seems like an excellent case of ‘hindsight is 20/20′. and well, i guess if that’s the case, enjoy these baby years! and i’ll try to not slap my family/friends when they tell me i should enjoy the time to travel right now
…and i really mean that…i hope that didn’t come across as too bitter…
Thanks for this great post Sarah! I happened upon your blog through Louise’s blog, and am enjoying reading your posts! As someone who is constantly searching for ‘the next thing’ that will finally make my life truly happy, I can totally relate!
It is a really good realization for me that most young women who do have the things that I feel will truly complete my life (husband and children), are still themselves constantly looking towards the past or the future. It’s just part of our human nature, I guess! But it is a good reminder to me to learn contentment NOW, because this battle with discontentment will not be solved by just moving on to the next stage in life. Living in the present moment is so hard, but that is exactly where we meet God.
God bless you and your family!
Ha. My friend, her common-law husband and their three year old are off today for a year’s trip around the world …